Spoiler alert: if you have tickets to see Condominium in the Kansas City metro area, you should stop reading now.
As a wedding gift, my mother in law gave Brenna and me, her favorite son in law tickets for a dinner theatre in KC. Now while this is not a normal Friday evening activity for me, I’m up for anything and this show was special as it included the real Greg Brady. Not someone playing Greg Brady but it was the real live Barry Williams.
First I will list the disappointments of the evening. There wasn’t anyone in the show or the audience who wore 70’s pants with wild print, stripes or plaid. I saw one guy in maroon polyester pants but it wasn’t the same. Missed opportunity.
After I made three Brady bunch jokes on the ride up that were all missed by my home schooled wife, I just quit trying. I had some good material too. On the ride home I told her that “she was a real groovy chick, in a far out way” and she looked at me like I was from far out in space.
Finally there were wasn’t a surfing scene where Greg wipes out, no giant house of cards was constructed and a random kid named Oliver didn’t just show up.
Now for highlights. People you see at a Greg Brady dinner theatre. I saw lots of pony tails. Pony tails on men over the age of 55. Now not going to lie, I have limited options in my hair cut style. Buzzed off short, buzzed off real short or a wrap around, swirling comb over of regret and shame. So I would take a pony tail if I could do it. I just have rarely seen so many in one place.
Confused Buffett line lady. It was a buffet and a confusing one also. Four lines for people to choose. All with the same exact choices. Once I figured it out it was awesome to watch people try to bounce back and forth to see all the options. “Sorry Beverly it’s the same Chicken Parm over here! Now get to the back of the line!” Side note I tried the spinach au gratin and it was not au rotten. It was pretty good actually. So I ate my spinach for the first time ever. Or I at least tried a bite. I still avoided the carrots. They were cinnamon honey glazed. If dessert ingredients are needed to make a vegetable edible it should avoided because it’s trash. Sweet potatoes are in this category. I said what I said.
That One Guy-lots of options. Could be the guy wearing the newsie hat backwards with the phenomenal mustache. Could be the guy in the 80’s sweater and the bowl-haircut who only uses words like “Bourgeois” “ergo” “Grandiloquent” “Behove” and “Indubitably.” My top choice was Silver haired Wayne Newton guy. Red polyester pants, white cowboy boots, winks and points at you and says “watch out now” or “there he is.” He makes that clicking noise and grins at you when he sees you and calls everyone Slick or Hollywood. His name is Prescott, Conrad or Archie. Archie is good people. We need more of this type of guy in the world.
Terrible one liner guy. This guy has no self awareness. He has no sense of timing. He has no tact or manners. Ex: after the show Greg Brady comes out and talks to the audience. He mentioned throwing out the first pitch at the KC royals game. My first thought was wonder if he hit Marcia in the nose with the ball. But in the tv show that was a football and I’m sure he is tired of Brady references, this is not the place for audience one liners so I smile and keep my thoughts to myself like a normal human being. Terrible one liner guy yells out “Sorry about that!” Now he is referencing being sorry because the Royals aren’t any good. How do I know? Because after getting no response he explained his one liner. “Sorry about that because the Royals are terrible.” Then he looks around for a laugh. You know what’s terrible? Your sense of timing buddy. And your table manners are also atrocious.
Now for the show: Spoiler alert. My mother in law warned us that it was a bit shocking.
Greg Brady wore a dress. And a wig. I wanted to shout Marcia! Marcia Marcia” so bad it almost killed me. But I’m not an idiot and I knew Brenna would have killed me if I had done that. What really would have been shocking would have been if Greg Brady would have fought someone like he did in celebrity boxing.
But he didn’t. So I decided to mess with my mother in law during intermission. I texted her the following.
I let this simmer for a while. After the show I told Brenna that I had better tell her mom that I wasn’t really shocked. Brenna agreed so I sent the following.
She could only respond by liking the text. She still is not quite sure how to take me. But at least I know when to keep my one liners to myself and I have excellent table manners.
But just imagine the shock if Greg Brady had fought a black bear and then beat up Terrible One Liner Guy while silver haired Wayne Newton and I sang Mustang Sally with the Filipino cover band. Now that would have been a memorable show!
