So it’s been a whirlwind of marital bliss the last five months . And I can honestly say the time has flown by. Now most days pass like a cool breeze, and others fly by like a flock of giant dirty pigeons over my freshly washed car. Luckily the dirty pigeon days are rare, but they do seem to leave a lasting impression. Now my lovely wife has said these days are usually caused by poor communication or me not listening or me not being engaged. So I told her, “no I’m not engaged, we are married now.” Then she said something about me not “hearing” her or something like that. I don’t really know, I wasn’t really paying attention.

Sometimes she asks what I am feeling. Then I’m like “I’m feeling pizza. That sounds pretty good.” Then she rolls her eyes at me. So I respond with “oh you feel like a burger instead?” It’s really a joy to be around me at times. But maybe I’m acting this way because I’m hungry. And I get fussy like a toddler. Since she is a therapist, I thought she would have picked up on this by now. So there is actually lots of communication. But it’s the interpretation of what is said or expressed that has caused some minor points of contention. Once again I’m here to provide tips so all of you may be able to avoid these minor mishaps.

1. Punctuality: If something starts at 7:00, and I need to be there on time, I plan accordingly and arrive by 6:59-7:09. But I will not hurry at any point. I will drive normally and won’t rush walking in. Brenna prefers to take her time getting ready then drive like mad and run through parking lots. This is because “she wants to be on time” and I say “you should have planned better or accept your tardiness.” I can’t repeat her response. So for now I watch her speed walk through parking lots as I casually walk 30 yards behind.

2. Holidays and gifts. I love holidays and giving presents . Sometimes I am impulsive and want everything right now. Like a hungry 200 lbs toddler in a candy store with a credit card. You can’t control me, just hope to limit the damage. So when the wife said we weren’t doing Valentines Day this year, I was disappointed. But because I usually don’t follow instructions very well, I decided to go along. Rookie mistake. So “not doing Valentines Day” actually meant we were only getting each other a nice card with a heartfelt, sincere note inside. The flowers from all the kids or the vintage 1993 Mudhoney Concert T shirt I bought on EBay didn’t help either. Lesson learned.

3. The sink sprayer setting. So I put in a new faucet because I’m a great husband and stuff. However, I sometimes leave it on the spray setting and when she turns it on it sprays her. This I have learned infuriates Brenna . So she said she has had it! And if I don’t quit it, she is going to start spraying me back. Well, that’s exactly what she meant too! I’ve got sprayed twice today. Like a bad puppy. I’m waiting for her to start swatting me with a newspaper.

4. Stress style. So I’m not the therapist of the couple. So I am not the expert on feelings, handling conflict, stress management and self awareness. I am an expert on acting like a child though. So when stress piles up, I have one way of dealing with things and that is straight ahead with a lot of swear words. Now Brenna is much different. She is the strategist. She sits in silence and apparently thinks things through instead of just reacting. And while it’s a mature way of handling life, it can drive me nuts. Now I’m not swearing at her and she isn’t giving me the silent treatment, it just seems to be the way we go about talking out issues. It’s not always silence though. Often during a tirade she has something clever to say though. Like “Go-ahead and get it all out. “ or “slow down and use your words.” Car rides can be entertaining. Just picture a conversation with the Mafia and Mary Poppins.

5. Catch phrases and sayings. There is a lot of distance between us in this area. Examples. She wakes up the kids with multiple requests of “rise and shine!” Myself let my oldest over sleep intentionally and miss an important class when he was in high school after staying out late. because “you have to learn some things the hard way.” I have lots of colorful phrases and sayings that I won’t print but involve circus monkeys, things being on fire and people with the personality of a hammer. Brenna on the other hand says things like bless his heart and doggone it. Once after stubbing my toe so badly I was sure it had been tore off, her response was “Ah doggone it.” The pain caused by this horrendous event and her response enraged me so much that I planned on throwing my severed toe at her when I found it. However as I searched under the bed swearing at my bad fortune, I realized my toe was still attached. The laughter that followed from us both reminded me that while different in so many ways, we are suppose to be together. Life is better with a Brenna .