As I travel through life and gain some wisdom, I often find myself saying things like “oops, did I say that out loud?” Or “Man, I shouldn’t have said that.” On the other hand I often hear things that I really don’t want to hear. Things like “Seriously Cole?” Or “Please tell me you’re joking.” These phrases are usually uttered by my wife. My current favorite from her is “You did not say that did you? Of course you did. Why do I even ask you the question.” Well Brenna not only did you ask the question, but you answered it as well. So who is the crazy one now? She loves it when I say things like that. So as a public service I’ve put together a few highlights of things I’ve said or heard this week that everyone should try and avoid.

Starting off in the world of health and medicine I was talking to a doctor and had a question about his findings. Their response started off with “well I have been practicing medicine for 30 years…”. My response was “Well Doc, practicing medicine makes it sounds like it’s all just guesswork in a white coat.” It just slipped out before I could stop it. And it went over like a turd in the punch bowl. Also it should be noted, that punch bowl phrase isn’t acceptable in all settings either it turns out.

Staying in the medical field, about two years ago as a newly elected county commissioner we were discussing covid and a policy of the Kansas department of health. I didn’t like the policy for some reason and spouted off that it was “the dumbest thing I had ever heard.” That quote made the paper. It was a valuable lesson. Seems that when I learn things, you can be sure that I learned it the hard way. Side note, as a small town county commissioner, when you say something and you look over at the newspaper or radio reporters and they are smirking or shaking their heads and smiling, shut your mouth immediately. Lots of phrases pop into my head to describe this feeling effectively. None of these phrases will get past my proof reader. So I shall leave it with as “it appears that the dog was experienced a mishap in a kingly manner.” Side note I had to explain this to little miss home schooled

Side note if you ever find yourself waiting intently at 11:59 PM for the newspaper to post the story which may or may not contain your idiotic comment, you may need to reevaluate your life choices.

So onto things I’ve heard this week that made even me take notice. Today in the local DG I heard the following from an older couple, hey where do you keep the cough syrup? Like the Robitussen or the NyQuil? And this is good for little kids right? Some grandparents shouldn’t babysit apparently. Then it was from a younger couple. “What kind of snacks do you want to give the kids when we get home? No those are dog treats.” Some people shouldn’t be parents apparently.

This was heard at the McDonald’s drive thru. “That will be $27.83. Saintly Doo doo! $27?? How can two people eat $27.00 worth of McDonald’s food?” Turns out that it’s not that hard. These two guys were easily able to devour $27.00 worth of McDonald’s on their way to the Dollar General. Now back in my day double cheese burgers were $1.00. I remember a pizza in college called the “Big Ass pizza” for $10.00. We would order by asking for the “large donkey pizza “ since we were sophisticated and stuff. And the circle is now complete as I’m saying things like “back in my day.” Had to explain this one as well to the home schooled proof reader.

So as I appear now to be rambling I will wrap things up with things and phrases my grandparents said. If anyone is offended by these you should know my grandparents have passed away already and are thus already “canceled.”

“Well the old grey mare, she crapped on the single tree. “ No clue what this actually meant.

“You are like a madman that doesn’t know whether he should poop or go blind.” A grandpa Jesse favorite

“Stay away from those Jezebel women Cole.” She wouldn’t tell me what Jezebels actually were .

“Sit down Cole or I will sell you to the gypsies and buy pizza for the other kids.” She always threatened. I knew she wouldn’t.

“If you keep playing with those matches you will wet the bed tonight.” Side note, I believed her.

Tune in next time to hear the funeral visitation story with my 6 year old self and my Nanny. Also my Nanny is what I called my grandmother. I didn’t have a real nanny.